Peter Bradshaw on The Hulk (in Hulk-speak, no less)
“Hulk. Smash!” Yes. Hulk. Smash. Yes. Smash. Big Hulk smash. Smash cars. Buildings. Army tanks. Hulk smash all hope of interesting time in cinema. Hulk take all effort of cinema, effort getting babysitter, effort finding parking, and Hulk put great green fist right through it. Hulk crush all hopes of entertainment.
Christopher Orr’s review of The Happening (a list of spoilers so that you can mock the film without having seen it.)
The Happening is not merely bad. […] It’s the kind of movie you want to laugh about with friends, swapping favorite moments of inanity: “Do you remember the part when Mark Wahlberg … ?” “God, yes. And what about that scene where the wind … ?”
The problem, of course, is that to have such a conversation, you’d normally have to see the movie, which I believe is an unreasonably high price to pay just to make fun of it. So rather than write a conventional review explaining why you should or shouldn’t see The Happening (trust me, you shouldn’t), I’m offering an alternative: A dozen and a half of the most mind-bendingly ridiculous elements of the film, which will enable you to marvel at its anti-genius without sacrificing (and I don’t use that term lightly) 90 minutes of your life.
Mark Kermode on Pirates of the Caribbean 3
No words can prepare you for this priceless 10-minute rant by Kermode. My favourite review ever, given the accolade due to Kermode’s renaming of two of the stars: Ikea Shitely and Orloondo Bland.